BMW

From: Franco Giammattei

Date: 2 June 2009 17:20

To: Tim Broughton

Subject: BMW Request

Good morning Mr Broughton,

Many thanks for your recent enquiry into the BMW 5 series.

There appears to be no numbers provided to contact you.

Please can you get in touch with me at your earliest convenience so that we can discuss your interest further.

Kindest regards

Franco Giammattei

BMW New Car Sales Executive

BMW Park Lane

From: Tim Broughton

Date: 3 June 2009 21:50

To: Franco Giammattei

Subject: BMW Request

Dear Franco

Many thanks for getting in touch to discuss the exceptional engineering that is The BMW. I've thought for years that nothing quite says "I've arrived" with the same gusto as a well polished Beamer cruising down the outside lane.

Well, I'm hitting a point in my life when I think I'm ready. This is a big moment for me, Franco. The kids have grown up and gone to Oxford and into dentistry, the wife seems happy enough and it really feels like my time again. Its time for me to toast myself on the back with a new set of wheels.

I've been looking at the M3 Coupe and think this might be the car for me. I do have some fairly strong reservations though, particularly concerning the music/radio system in the car. Could you please send me some details and tell me, has this changed a lot from the systems in place in BMWs 25 years ago?

Unfortunately I'm uncontactable by phone at the moment as the wife and I are holidaying in the Seychelles (first impressions ok - the people seem clean) but I will be checking my Blackberry from time to time. I presume, being based in Park Lane, you'd be my local dealer.

Many thanks in advance for the information.

Tim Broughton

Sent from a Blackberry

From: Franco Giammattei

Date: 5 June 2009 09:54

To: Tim Broughton

Subject: BMW Request

Hi Tim,

Many thanks for your quick response.

I will forward the M3 electronic brochure so you can ready through when convenient.

The sound system in an M3 is exceptional and far better than those fitted on the cars from 25 years ago.

When you are back in the country, perhaps it would be a good idea to pop in and allow me to demonstrate the sound system?

Enjoy the rest of your holiday and speak soon.

Kindest regards

Franco Giammattei

BMW New Car Sales Executive

BMW Park Lane

From: Tim Broughton

Date: 5 June 2009 21:36

To: Franco Giammattei

Subject: BMW Request

Dear Franco

I'm very keen to learn whether the sound system is easy to use and will not in any way distract me from driving the fabulous M3. You see, I'm in a bit of a quandary. Let me give you a little background.

In 1979 my wife had a fiance called Cliff who drove a BMW. Very happy they were, and all set for a wonderful life together. One day on the way to work, Cliff had a bit of an accident whilst scrolling through the radio stations and, to cut a long story short, made a full recovery but had to be fitted with a prosthetic nose. Now, I know this might sound odd, but my wife really struggled to deal with the nose thing and ended up leaving him.

Two years later we got together and we've never looked back. However, I'm worried that buying a beamer will bring back quite disturbing memories for her. I'm concerned it may be interpreted as callus and insensitive for me to invest in the vehicle which ultimately ended her previous realtionship.

What do you think? I'm tempted just to buy the car and play the ignorance card once it's sat on the driveway. I can't honestly see her making me take it back to the shop, but at the same time, deep down, Franco, I'll know.

What would you do?

Thanks for your help in this difficult, unusual but highly significant matter.

Tim

Sent from a Blackberry

From: Franco Giammattei

Date: 8 June 2009 10:59

To: Tim Broughton

Subject: BMW Request

Many thanks for your response Tim.

The best thing I can suggest is for you and your wife to come into the showroom when you return from your holiday.

I can show you an M3 to look around and demonstrate the fact that the sound system is easier to use and far more sophisticated that the BMW’s of 30 years ago.

From the story you have told me, it is not down to the BMW entirely and could have happened in any car built back then as safety standard’s were not as high.

I look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Kindest regards

Franco Giammattei

BMW New Car Sales Executive

BMW Park Lane

From: Tim Broughton

Date: 18 June 2009 13:47

To: Franco Giammattei

Subject: BMW Request

Oh no Franco

You'll never guess what's happened. My wife caught me printing out the brochure you sent me and hit the roof! Goodness me! The things she said were truly hurtful.

"How could you entertain the thought of driving one of those"

"You repugnant filth"

"You're not the father of my children"

etc etc

Clearly she's never really recovered from the trauma of Cliff's prosthetic nose which, in itself, I have a bit of a problem with. I met him once and at a dinner party in Stoke and he looked fine - nasally speaking. I thought his forehead was more of an issue, an opinion my wife did not appreciate.

So. it looks like I must look elsewhere for an auto-upgrade. Thank you for your advice. I have recently come to think of you, not only as a BMW new car sales executive, but as a friend.

Tim

Sent from a blackberry

Eoghan Quigg

From: andrew pountain

Date: Wed, 2 Jun 2009 20:40:45

To: tim broughton

Subject: Re: Eoghan quigg

Hi tim,

I am the live agent for Eoghan,

Can you give me some more information re your event?

Best,

Andrew Pountain

From: tim broughton

Date: Wed, 3 Jun 2009 21:56

To: andrew pountain

Subject: Re: Eoghan quigg

Dear Andrew

Many thanks for getting in touch.

My daughter Jessica will be celebrating her 7th Birthday at the end of September this year and, having discussed the matter with my wife, we would very much like Eoghan to attend and perform. We are situated in Bucks, money no object.

Please let me know his availability.

Many thanks,

Tim Broughton

From: andrew pountain

Date: Wed, 3 Jun 2009 22:12

To: tim broughton

Subject: Re: Eoghan quigg

Hi tim,

Eoghan's normal fee for a 30 minute show plus meet and greet etc is 5k plus vat and rider.

How does this work for you?

Best,

Andrew Pountain

From: tim broughton

Date: Tue, 9 Jun 2009 10:31

To: andrew pountain

Subject: Re: Eoghan quigg

Hi Andy

Sorry not to be in touch for so long. I have been in Columbia on business and failed to receive your email.

Since returning cash has become a little tight. A valuable package was seized by customs on my return to the UK and as a result £5k for half an hour might be too much.

Tell me, if we booked Eoghan, would Jessica be able to see the strings? I've spoken with my wife and we've decided that Jessica would be heartbroken if she ever found out Eoghan isn't real.

Many thanks

Tim

From: andrew pountain

Date: 9 June 2009 10:43

To: tim broughton

Subject: Re: Eoghan quigg

Man. That's so cool.

Best,

Andrew Pountain

From: tim broughton

Date: 9 June 2009 10:51

To: andrew pountain

Subject: Out of Office AutoReply: Thanks for the support

As many of you know, the recent court case didn't go quite as planned and I shall be unavailable to respond to your email for the next five years - two if I'm good.

Many thanks for your support and well-wishing during the trial. Margaret, Jessica and I much appreciate it.

Please continue to look after them whilst I'm away, perfecting my tomato gravy and polishing the tabletennis skills.

Best wishes

Tim Broughton

Foxtons

From: tim broughton

Sent: 31 May 2009 11:13

To: alia.jamal@foxtons.co.uk

Subject: Chelsea home for sale

Dear Sir

My wife and I have decided that we need to put our family home up for sale from the beginning of July. The house is situated at SW3 6LH - as I'm sure you'll agree, an extremely desirable London location.

My wife, Zho-ee, won tabletennis Olympic gold in Barcelona and we are now required to return to China to help in preparations for next year's World Championships and of course the London Olympics in 2012.

We will be in the Maldives for the next 3-4 weeks or so, but I will be checking my Blackberry intermittently. Please do email me with the next steps, presumably a valuation. I have heard a little of Foxtons but perhaps you could let me know why you'd be the best agent for my property? Zho-ee thinks we should go through a Chinese agent, which I don't think is a good idea at all.

Many thanks

Tim Broughton

From: Alia Jamal

Sent: 4 June 2009 13:55

To: tim broughton

Subject: Chelsea home for sale

Dear Mr Broughton,

Thank you for your recent email.

Yes you are quite right that we will need to value the property, as the first step.

Is there access to the property in your absence so Ian Brownridge, the sales manager can go and visit the property. Alternatively we can organize a time for when you return to London.

Please advise Zho-ee that a Chinese agent if there is such a specific agency may only attract Chinese Clients but Foxtons is London’s largest estate agents who are able to attract buyers from all over the world which in turn enables you to achieve the best possible price.

Ian is very keen to meet you both but as you are away over the next few weeks it would be great if we can get the valuation done to get the ball rolling for you so you are prepared to market from the beginning of July.

I look forward to hearing from you very soon.

Kind Regards

Miss Alia Jamal

Department Head

From: tim broughton

Sent: 5 June 2009 22:00

To: Alia Jamal

Subject: Chelsea home for sale

Dear Alia

Many thanks for your swift response. It all sounds very positive, but I still think Zho-ee would be rather annoyed if we didn't use a Chinese agent. She's a rather strong character, you see, with strong Chinese roots and a fierce passion for her homeland (and tabletennis). Ian Brownridge sounds like a fine fellow, but he doesn't sound Chinese.

Would you by any chance have any Chinese chaps who could do the valuation?

If this doesn't prove fruitful, I do have a plan B. Do you think Ian would mind meeting me outside where I could give him a T-Shirt to wear which has Barcelona '92 emblazoned across the front. And perhaps he could hold a tabletennis paddle around the house whilst doing the valuation? I'm sure Zho-ee's initial reservations about Ian would soften if he appears to be a tabletennis enthusiast. I could even send through some tabletennis facts for him to learn - ones that only a fan would know.

Please let me what you think.

Best wishes

Tim

PS It's early days but so far the Maldives are poor.

Sent from a Blackberry

From: Ian Brownridge

Sent: 6 June 2009 09:25

To: tim broughton

Subject: Chelsea home for sale

Hi Tim

Thanks for your message which my colleague Alia Jamal has forwarded on to me.

This all sounds rather peculiar, but please give me a call to discuss this in more detail as we don’t even have the property address at this stage and we cannot do anything without the address and your contact telephone numbers.

One thing which is puzzling me, is that there were two Chinese female table tennis gold medal winners from the Barcelona Olympics in 1992, and they were called Yaping Deng and Hong Qiao.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards

Ian

Ian Brownridge

Sales Manager

From: tim broughton

Sent: 8 June 2009 07:45

To: Ian Brownridge

Subject: Chelsea home for sale

Dear Ian

Goodness me, this has all been a bit of a shock to the system.

I have now had the opportunity to research the winners of the tabletennis Olympic medals in Barcelona and you're absolutely right - Yaping Deng and Hong Qiao were the only victors that year. I even looked into the doubles events and, sure enough, there isn't a Zho-ee to be seen. This would explain the lack of any winner's medal. She told me all trophies and awards were held by the state as a symbol of national achievement and not individual glory. Unbelievable.

Naturally I'm shaking with rage about this. I mean, who would make up such a peculiar story? I am biding my time to select the correct moment to confront Zho-ee about this. Did I mention she's a very strong character?

I think I'd better put the house sale on hold until all this is sorted. The last thing I need is to be sharing the revenue of a multi-million pound home with a deceptive, faux tabletennis champion.

Many thanks in any case for your investigative, inquisitive input. I'd never have thought to check such things, and I married her.

I will be in touch as/when this issue is resolved.

Best wishes

Tim Broughton

PS Nightmare holiday. Last night I stood on my sunglasses. Today is the first day for a week that it's been sunny.

Sent from a Blackberry

From: Ian Brownridge

Sent: 8 June 2009 14:32

To: Tim Broughton

Subject: Chelsea home for sale

Dear Tim Broughton/Chortle

Thanks for the very amusing messages!! I was quite looking forward to wearing the Barcelona ’92 T-shirt – what a shame.

If you need a good divorce lawyer to deal with Zho-ee I have a great recommendation for you, she’s called Sue Grabbitandrun.

Best regards

Ian

Boots

Sent by post to Boots Customer Service

Dear Sir/Madam

Good heavens! I’ve never had a retail experience like it. I happened upon one of your chemists recently and was perusing the shower gel products, when I happened to notice another customer standing behind the till area.

‘Good heavens,’ I thought. ‘That’s a bit unreasonable. I didn’t think us common folk were allowed behind the counter where all the drugs and cash is kept.’

Perturbed, I was. Then, having made my shower selection (Boots’ Mango and Jojoba body wash – smells delicious incidentally, good enough to eat. But don’t. It tastes disgusting) I made my way to the checkout to pay. And lo and behold, the lady I mistook for a customer was a Boots employee. SHE WAS WEARING HER HOME CLOTHES! I’m absolutely positive you wouldn’t condone this blatant disregard for staff uniforms. Especially in a chemist where there are drugs and things.

Now, I do not wish to name names about which branch and whom and where and when and whether and any other words beginning with wh, but I would have thought a general reminder to all staff that this is inappropriate clothing (the jumper looked like it was from Next) would not be too much to ask. You will find enclosed a picture of how we (me and some other people I asked – names and addresses can be supplied on request) expect our chemists to be dressed.

Yours truly,

Tim Broughton




Received from Boots Customer Service

Dear Mr Broughton

Thank you for contacting us about your recent shopping trip. I am sorry to learn that you are disappointed because a member of staff was not in uniform and I appreciate you letting us know about this.

Unfortunately without knowing the name of the store that you went to, the approxiamate time when you visited the store and a description of the staff member I am unable to investigate this fully.

I have however made our Store Operations team aware of your experience. They have assured me that they will raise and consider your comments at their next review and take any action considered appropriate.

Please also find enclosed a questionnaire, which will help us make sure we've provided you with the very best customer care.

Thank you again for contacting us. If you have any further questions please contact me personally on 08450 70 80 90.

Your sincerely

Andrew Martin
Customer Care


Sent by post to Boots Customer Service

Dear Andrew

I think you might be mistaking be for a dobber. How shocked I was by the clear whistle-blowing attitude evident within Boots. Is it really the case that a stalwart fulcrum of the British high street would so easily slap the firm hand of conformity upon its employees – those community-spirited souls enriched with a sense of goodness and sniffle-defying fibre? This appears to be an issue running right to the core of the organisation. We’re gonna need more than a questionnaire for this one, old boy.

I shudder to consider the consequences of revealing the identity of the ‘Home-Clothed Tommy’. Exiled to head office no doubt. A stint in the Department of Performance, never to be seen again?

A simple, subtle reminder allowed to trickle to the troops would seem a far more proportionate response.

Yours,

Tim Broughton

PS Should this leave a gap in the minutes of your next Store Operations Review, may I suggest a stirring rendition of Rule Britannia. Works every time.

Hampshire - Hants

From: tim broughton
Sent: 29 April 2009 12:14
To: sirgeorge@sirgeorgeyoung.org.uk
Subject: The Abbreviation of Hampshire

Dear Sir George

Just thought I’d get in touch about a small matter relating to the name of your county, Hampshire. I’m sure you’re very busy in your constituency, being Hampshire’s third highest profile MP, so I’ll keep this brief.

Many English counties have shortened abbreviations such as Yorkshire to Yorks or Berkshire to Berks. Cambridgeshire diminishes to Cambs and Derbyshire to Derbs. Now, I’m sure you’ve noticed from these examples that there is a pattern forming. I made up this little rhyming rule and taught it to my six children, lest they forget and have to write the whole county name out. It goes like this:

‘Grab the first syllable and the S from Shire, whack ‘em together and we’ll never tire!’ (because we save energy writing abbreviated county names)

Now perhaps you’ve guessed where I’m heading with this. Of all the counties that use this system, HAMPSHIRE BREAKS THE RULE! Instead of being Hamps and conforming to my witty, elegant rhyme, you write Hants!!! You romance the P in your full name, whispering sweet sonnets with liquorice tongue, and the whole time you’re nipping 4 doors down Alphabet Road for a quickie with Frauline T!

The game’s up Sir George!

But seriously, if you could spare the time to offer a short explanation around the spelling of Hants, that would be much appreciated. It has been nagging at me for a number of years, causing dark, skulking panther-like headaches. By further way of incentive, let me assure you that I’ve managed to narrow down my voting options for the next election to three parties, and yours is one of them, if you know what I mean.

Happy legislating

Tim

P.S Your website could do with a thorough overhaul.


From: YOUNGG@parliament.uk
Sent: 29 April 2009 12:47
To: tim broughton
Subject: The Abbreviation of Hampshire

Dear Tim

Thank you for the email; I am only sorry I do not know the answer to your question.

Best wishes,
George Young


From: tim broughton
Sent: 29 April 2009 13:133
To: sirgeorge@sirgeorgeyoung.org.uk
Subject: The Abbreviation of Hampshire

Dear Sir George,

Whilst I appreciate your swift response, do feel free to take your time to properly investigate this query. Make a few phone calls, maybe pop down County Hall and rifle through some records etc. Remember, my six little ones will be of voting age soon, and with myself and my wife, that's 8 votes - Hello fourth term!

Yours fondly

Tim

------------------------------------------------

From: MCCARTHYFRYS@parliament.uk

Sent: 29 April 2009 16:25
To: tim broughton
Subject: The Abbreviation of Hampshire

Our reference: HOCJS09

Dear Mr Broughton

Thank you for your email regarding the abbreviation of the word Hampshire to Hants.

I have briefly researched the history of the abbreviation to Hants and it would seem that this abbreviated form is derived from the Old English Hantum plus Scir (meaning a district governed from the settlement now known as Southampton) and the Anglo-Saxons called it Hamtunschire. At the time of the Doomsday Book (1086) this was compressed to Hantescire.

I am sure that there is further information available both online, and from the county libraries, should you wish to look into this in more depth.

Best wishes

Sarah McCarthy-Fry
Member of Parliament for Portsmouth North

From: tim broughton

Sent: 30 April 2009 21:50
To: MCCARTHYFRYS@parliament.uk
Subject: The Abbreviation of Hampshire

Dear Sarah

How kind of you to get back in touch to solve the conundrum of the abbreviation of Hampshire! I should have known the answer lay buried, but not forgotten, in the history of our ancient Isle. You must be mighty relieved I wasn't asking about Yorkshire - the thought of you having to read the Domesday book all the way through to Y strikes me as a bit of an ordeal. 

You'll be pleased to know I have also managed to adapt my rhyme to accommodate your explanation. It now runs as follows:

Grab the first syllable 

and the S from Shire, 

whack ‘em together 

and we’ll never tire!

Except for Hampshire,

I'll tell you why.

It shortens to Hants

just ask McCarthy-Fry!

And just like that, the headaches have gone! 

Thankyou Sarah. I wish you, your household and your legitimate second household all the best.

Tim

Grand Designs

From: Chortle, Tim

Sent: 10 April 2009 15:48

To: 'Talkback Thames’

Subject: Application for Grand Designs

Dear Grand Designs

My girlfriend and I are embarking on an ambitious yet truly exciting venture to build ourselves a family home in the South Kensington area, and would be very interested in gauging your level of interest in filming the project. The construction promises to be challenging, not only due to the various planning implications in this location, but due also to our own extremely high standards.

We are looking to provide a living environment which will stand the test (and tastes) of time for generations to come, whilst remaining faithful to the traditions and architectural styles of the surrounding community. We have also researched materials which guarantee an ethically sound construction and sourced the greenest of utility provision. As a 27-year-old, I believe our generation has not only the greatest opportunity, but also the strongest obligation, to live an ecologically responsible lifestyle. I can promise that this build will be unique in almost every manner, with creative innovation at the forefront of our minds.

At the moment we have some early plans and an artist impression of the building, which I would be happy to forward to you to aid your consideration. We forecast that foundation work will commence in August 09 with a final deadline of October 2010 - Christmas at the very latest.

Maybe just a note about our motives. As a young couple we’re in no doubt that this will be one of the biggest challenges of our lives and are under no illusions regarding the commitment required, but with such pressures we’re confident of a fabulous sense of achievement and a wonderful home for ourselves and hopefully children. The opportunity to have this journey documented would absolutely be the icing on the cake.

Do let me know if you’re interested and I’ll send through the designs.

Regards

Tim Chortle

From: 'Talkback Thames’
Sent: 23 April 2009 15:48
To: Chortle, Tim
Subject: Application for Grand Designs

Dear Tim

Apologies for the delay in replying to your email. It sounds like an interesting project that you plan to undertake and it would be good to find out more. In order to be able to consider any suggestions for Grand Designs we would need you to send in plans and a completed questionnaire, which I have attached, so we can fully visualise the project. These can be sent by email or in the post to

Grand Designs

Talkback Thames

77 Woodside Road Amersham

Bucks

HP6 6AA.

If the project looks suitable for the series then one of the team will be in touch to find out some more and go through the next stages of the selection process.

We can only consider projects which have their planning permission approved as this could take many months to happen, so please get back in contact with the above information once you are at this stage and are still interested in putting your project forward for consideration.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Johanna Fry

Grand Designs

From: Chortle, Tim
Sent: 25 April 2009 17:08
To: 'Talkback Thames’
Subject: Application for Grand Designs

Dear Johanna

Many thanks for getting back to me. I was beginning to give up hope!

Anyway, as requested, please find attached a completed questionnaire which I think should cover all the information you need. You will also find attached our plans. You will see from the form that we've pushed work back from August to October, but I'm sure this date will not slip again. If there are any issues that you would like me to expand upon, please don't hesitate to drop me an email.

I'm sure you will find the plans unique, inspiring and certainly intriguing.

We're both looking forward to hearing your feedback.

Best wishes

Tim

Grand Designs Questionnaire
Please return WITH A COPY OF YOUR PLANS TO….
Johanna Fry
Grand Designs, Talkback Thames,
77 Woodside Road,
Amersham,
Buckinghamshire HP6 6AA

Name
Tim Chortle Age 27

Partners Name
Zoe Carter Age 30

Location of build
South Kensington

Employment
Presently unemployed but concentrating on being famous.

Who is your architect?
My girlfriend, Zoe

Can you confirm that your architect would be happy to be filmed for Grand Designs?

Yes, she was once on Ready Steady Cook (in the Red Tomato team), so comfortable with TV. However, despite making by far the better dish, the audience voted for Green Peppers. This will be her first return to TV since that bitter disappointment.

What are you planning to build/renovate?
We are looking to build a one bedroom mansion, the likes of which have never been seen before. This will be a space guaranteeing gawps, stunned silence, joyful woops of euphoria. People will step into our new home and they will cry. Actually cry, Johanna.

When do you start?
October 2009

How long will the build take?
1 year

Do you have planning, if so is it conditional or full?
We have conditional permission – the condition being that the build is filmed by Grand Designs.

Are you project managing? Who will be involved?
I will be project managing. Zoe will be first mate. Kevin McCloud will also be helping when he comes to visit.

Do you have a builder lined up?
At present we do not have a builder.

If you do have a builder – can you confirm that they are happy to be filmed for Grand Designs?
If the builder refuses to be filmed, we will get someone else in. Making this a good television programme and being famous is a high priority in this build.

What did it cost to buy the plot?
£50,386.25

What is the projected cost of the build
£387,532.26

How will you finance the build? i.e.; 2nd mortgage, savings, sale of existing home
Zoe will work very hard. She is an architect for new Tesco stores, and since there are still many buildings in Britain that are not Tescos yet, she will be very busy.
I will be grooming myself for fame and so unable to work at this time or really contribute in any way beyond the completion of this form.

What will be unique, interesting or different about your project – what sets it apart from normal builds? (Materials / Techniques/ Style / Site)
I’m sure you will see from the plans, that there are many, many individual features incorporated in our new house.
The building will be extremely eco-friendly, with a funnel and pipe leading rainwater through the chimney and into the taps in the bathroom.
There will be a circular whirly wicked slide leading from my bedroom window all way to the ground floor.
There will be a room in the house completely given over to housing all my Grand Designs videos and DVDs. I will also be able to display Kevin McCloud posters and photos with pride in this room. As a result this vast array of merchandise will not spill out into the rest of the house. Zoe doesn’t like inviting friends to our present abode because apparently this stuff is ‘weird’.
There will also be a room with a MASSIVE TV playing Grand Designs and Come Dine With Me on loop.

In terms of construction what techniques/ materials will you be using?
Good question. Actually that’s a bloody good question. I’d imagine bricks, cement, wood and nails and glue. Techniques will be important, but I don’t really know any beyond dry-stone walling, and doing that would be mental.

What are your architectural style/influences?
Gaudi, the Pig from the Three Little Pigs that used bricks, Norman Foster’s Beijing Airport

How do you envisage the end result?
As I said before, Johanna, people will see it and cry.
It will be staggering.

Do you have a deadline to be in by?
9pm on a work night, midnight at weekends.

Do you anticipate any problems with the project?
Yes, the rope bridge connecting my home to my office will take me over crocodile infested waters. At present crocodiles are not native to South Kensington, so they will need to be imported. Also, in order for my daily journey to work to be an authentic representation of the film The Temple of Doom, I will need to employ 3 voodoo-crazed robed baldies to charge me, attempting to extract my heart.
Also the huge box of fireworks on the roof, required for our spectacular nightly firework displays might be incredibly dangerous and annoy the neighbours.
We also have a big sharp hook in the kitchen, from which we can hang hams. Caution will be required as this hook appears to be at eye-level, and I’m mildly concerned someone is going to pluck a blinker out.
Also, whilst there is a slide to take one down to the ground floor, there appears to be no physical way of actually ascending to the first and second floor. This appears to be a bit of a cock-up.

Why is this your dream home? What are your motivations for building your dream home?
Because it’s all I’ve ever wanted. When I’m famous I’ll be truly happy. Just image not being able to leave my wonderful house for fear of being mobbed! Imagine money never being an issue ever again. Imagine, being asked to go on Loose Women and The One Show, sharing my story about being really famous. Plus, our present neighbours absolutely hate us.


From: 'Talkback Thames’

Sent: 26 April 2009 10:21

To: Chortle, Tim

Subject: Application for Grand Designs

Dear Tim

What a shame this wasn't a serious application, but the form made me laugh. Thanks for improving my afternoon!

Johanna Fry

Grand Designs


From: Chortle, Tim

Sent: 26 April 2009 11:17

To: 'Talkback Thames’

Subject: Application for Grand Designs

Dearest Johanna

I'm not altogether sure what you mean by 'not a serious application' but in any case Phil and Kirstie from Location Location Location have decided to feature the build and so they have been granted exclusive coverage of the construction. Admittedly Phil is a poor man's Kevin, and Kirstie is abhorrently horsey, but such is the cross one bears in the pursuit of fame.

I wish you well, Johanna. You strike me as a go-getter with a kind heart.

Regards

Tim Chortle

Innocent Drinks

From: tim broughton
Date: 8 Sep 2008 17:29
Subject: Complaint
To: innocent drinks


Dear Sir / Madam

I'm afraid I have been forced to get in touch to complain about a drink. Now, I'd like to establish from the outset that I not a moaner, I rarely have the time, let alone the inclination to have a grumble about even the most perverse abuses of decency. But in this case I must voice my concerns.

I have been drinking Innocent Smoothies for many years now without the slightest of hiccups, indeed I find their velvety texture and anti-oxident rich contents to be a rather effective cure for the hiccups. My favourite flavour is Strawberry & Banana. The subtle tones of banana meet the crisp freshness strawberry to combine in a veritable display of all things splendid.

On the 27th September my day began as normal - 30 situps, 19 pressups and a leisurely trot to the fridge to indulge my early morning fruity needs. I tore off the lid of my Innocent Smoothie and gulped down the nectar within. Crikey, i thought. In fact I actually said it out loud. 'Crikey.' The flavours were not those of my accustomed Strawberry & Banana but something else altogether. Spritely sharpness was followed by a lurching, almost driving tang. 'Gee Whiz!' I exclaimed whilst frantically checking the label.

This is where the true horror of that fateful September morning began.

Blackberries, Raspberries & Boys and Berries.

Immediately my stomach creased and crumpled, the contents vacating in a surge of temper.

WHEN DID INNOCENT SMOOTHIE START MAKING UP THE CONTENTS OF THEIR DRINKS BY BLENDING BOYS?? You can try to cover your tracks with your funky spelling, 'Boysenberries', but how long did you really think you'd be able to get away with this? We all know you're renowned for your progressive copy and intimate communication - was this approach all an elaborate scheme to ensure nobody would bat an eyelid when you started to include small children in one of your flagship recipes? What does it say about us as people, when the life of a human being is valued less than that of a cherry or pear?

Now, I have been ridden with guilt since I first experienced this most basic abuse of human rights, I mean I actually consumed the stuff! But I have taken some time to think of my response and here it is. I want two pallets of Strawberry & Raspberry smoothie in unmarked bottles, deposited in two separate south London locations by the end of the month. Exact details will follow. Otherwise I'm going to the papers. I mean, can you IMAGINE what The Independent would make of this? 'KIDS JUICED AND SOLD AS SMOOTHIE'. That's what they'd say.

I expect a swift, and frankly flustered response.

Yours

Tim


From: innocent drinks
Date: 11 Sep 2008 17:29
Subject: Complaint [Your special number: 080910-000318]
To: tim broughton


Hi Tim,

Right, obviously we don't want you going to the papers, but we would like to reassure you that no boys were hurt in the making of our smoothies. But to keep you quiet, on the QC we can send you some vouchers so that 1) you have the fuel you need to complete your 30 situps and 19 pressups (come on you know you can do one more) and 2) for the wittiest email I've read this week.

Now you have to take the risk of letting me know your address. I'm not saying we're all completely innocent here, so I can't guarantee that Rex the ex (not saying what of) won't be taking a leisurely walk past you house some night.

Bye for now,

Natasha

Freaky Eaters

From: tim broughton
Date: 4 Mar 2009 22:50
Subject: Freaky Eaters Application
To: youneedme@betty.co.uk

Dear Sir/Madam

It is with no sense of melodrama or overreaction, producer of BBC3's Freaky Eaters, that I contact you in a bid to save my life. Honestly I'm at the end of my tether. In fact I think my tether just disappeared over the horizon, behind the cragged landscape that is 'my life'. Indeed, if you ever wanted to see my tether again you'd probably have to dig out some lame camcorder footage of me aged 9 at cub camp or something.

Of course, since you can't actually see 'tether', this would be senseless (plus there isn't actually any footage of me aged 9 as I've always harboured a desire to work for the government in a secret capacity - I'd have thought rogue video footage of me could well cause complications with such aspirations if discovered by Al Qaeda).

I am a freaky eater. God it feels good to write that. I TIM BROUGHTON AM A FREAKY EATER.

Allow me to elaborate. I can't eat mushrooms. They make me puke. They're disgusting, sludgy, slimy, filthy brown creatures. Vegetables, TV Producer, shouldn't have gills. Like eggs shouldn't have hobbies, tennis rackets shouldn't have survival skills and curtains shouldn't have debts, VEGETABLES SHOULD NOT HAVE GILLS. Its wrong, wrong, wrong.

Now, I can imagine you thinking 'jeez, this guy needs to chill. Just don't eat mushrooms.' Well, if only it were that easy. I'll give you an example. I like a full English breakfast from time to time. There's a place down the road where I indulge my breakfast desires - you may know it, on the Fulham Palace Road called The Half of the Moon. Cracking little place it is with excellent reasonably priced food and a comfortable ambience. Well, allow me to share a typical visit with you, TV Producer:


The Half of the Moon, Saturday morning. Shafts of clear winter morning light pierce the cafe, bringing freshness to tired but spirited diners.
Enter myself, keen eyes and empty stomach, paper under arm.

Me: Morning!
Cafe Owner: Mornin' love. What can I get ya?
M: Let's see. [Scans the menu on the wall above and behind the cafe owner]. Do you know, I think I'll have the Bigger Breakfast.
CO: You want tea or coffee with that?
M: What the hell, it’s the weekend, lets go for coffee.
CO: Five ninety-nine then, please darlin'.
M: Great. Oh, would you leave off the mushrooms?
CO: How come?
M: Don't really like them.
CO: You fucking freak. Get the fuck out of my cafe.


Now, TV producer, that's just a flavour of the type of attitude I have to endure, day in, day out. I need you boys to come round with the tele and all the other gizmos and pile the pressure on. I got to get over this, man. I got to put this mushroom thing to bed. The insults and derision scratch as I sleep. I walk to work and I can see them looking at me. "Freak" they mutter. "Weirdo" "Misfit" "Oddball" "Miscreation" "Oddity"

Someone even once called me a "nonce" which I'm fairly sure means paedophile.

Now, if this isn't grounds to be on your show to get cured by that lady who is frankly unbearable and the man who always blames problems on absent or estranged parents during childhood, I don't know what is.

Please help me eat a mushroom, Betty, producers-of-BBC3's-popular-but-not-so-popular-that-we're-on-BBC1-or-BBC2's Freaky Eaters. You're my only hope.

Tim Broughton


From: tim broughton
Date: 4 Mar 2009 22:50
Subject: Freaky Eaters Application
To: youneedme@betty.co.uk

Dear TV Producers Betty

I still haven't heard anything regarding my application for Freaky Eaters. I'd be most grateful if you could let me know if I'm being considered for the show. I'm starting to book holidays and don't want to book anything whilst there's a chance you may be able to help with my problem.

Many thanks

Tim


From: Emily Shanklin
Date: 4 Mar 2009 22:50
Subject: Freaky Eaters Application
To: tim broughton

Hi Tim

Thanks very much for your email, it was certainly the most entertaining and well written one we have received.

Currently there are no plans for a 4th series of Freaky Eaters but we will keep your details on file should the BBC re-commission it. Your first point of call should be with your own GP or you could call NHS Direct on 0845 46 47.

You could also have a look at information provided on: http://www.adultpickyeaters.co.uk- however I must make it clear that this website is not affiliated with Betty or BBC3, but you might find it a useful resource.

Yours sincerely

Freaky Eaters Team

From: tim broughton
Date: 27 May 2009 18:20
Subject: Freaky Eaters Application
To: youneedme@betty.co.uk

Dear Emily

Thanks ever so much for the reply. I have indeed called NHS Direct and explained the problem regarding my disproportionate fear of mushrooms. Unfortunately they advised me to get in touch with Betty, producers of BBC 3’s Freaky Eaters because my case is so extreme. I did explain that you hadn’t been re-commissioned for a fourth series but then I just heard ‘OH SHI…’ and then the sound of someone throwing themselves out of a window.

So it looks like its up to me to get you folks back on the telehole so you can help me out. I was wondering, have you considered the following:

Freaky Meeters – People with peculiar handshakes

Freaky Tweekers – An expose of cricket’s deformed spin-bowling community

Freaky Leakers – Living with incontinence

Freaky Litres – Imperial vs metric measurement

Creaky Eaters – Arthritis of the jaw

Cheeky Beaters – The pitfalls of public masturbation

Surely one of these will do the trick? Then we get the whole gang together and just do a Freaky Eaters based around me! This could work. Let me know if you need a hand with the pitch at all. I can probably borrow a flipchart from work and I have a very sharp suit which will add gravitas to proceedings.

Let me know what you think,

Tim Broughton

Volvo

Posted to Volvo UK Customer Services
07/01/09

Dear Sir

We all know the image of the Volvo don’t we? The safe man’s choice. You’ve never been more assured of getting from A to B than in a Volvo. Because that’s what Volvo’s do. Well, I’m afraid I will never buy a Volvo, ever, and when you read the rest of my correspondence, I’d be surprised if you still wanted to work for them.

I thought it may be of interest for you to hear about my Uncle Brian, god rest his soul. What a calm and considered man he was. At peace with the world, was our Brian. I’ll never forget the year he and Auntie Pam hosted our Christmas dinner - it must have been 1998 because it was the same year that the first of the canaries died, but that’s another story, quite a horrific one actually. Anyway, you’ve never experienced a Christmas like it, I can assure you. The dinner was ready at 2 o’clock on the dot, cooked to perfection with all the trimmings. The house was filled with love and peace, a scene of perfect domestic tranquillity. This was the perfect climax to a year of success and achievement for Brian, who’d become team leader at his accountancy firm that very year, Brian Junior had just started secondary school and his younger sister had completed grade three on the clarinet with distinction. Not to mention the extension which was now finished and that new boiler was well worth the investment, yes you really don’t notice how poor a poor boiler is until you upgrade.

Just a month after the aforementioned Christmas, the time came for Uncle Brian to trade in his car. And what would Brian go for? You guessed it! Our steady Eddie weighed up the options and a brand new Volvo was the only choice. All red and shiny with electric windows and a sun roof. Top speed of 112mph! Goodness me, Brian loved that car. And it fit him like a glove. “Good old Uncle Brian and his big red Volvo!” we used to say.

But over time we noticed that Uncle Brian had begun to change. At first he started coming home from the office a little later, he started missing the kids school engagements (indeed he missed Brian Junior’s first school play performance as the title role in The Wicker Man and never visited Brian Junior in the burns unit during those subsequent difficult few months). Then he began coming home stinking of stale whisky and cheap whores – Pam was beside herself. “He stinks of whisky and cheap whores the whole time” she would say to my mother, who had always found Pam unbearable since Dougie’s wedding and the incident with the electric toothbrush, but again, that’s another story.

Now, over time we began to notice that Brian, alongside his tendencies for clearly inappropriate behaviour (which by now included a rather embarrassing crack habit) had become more and more obsessed with his Volvo. It was like the Volvo began to own him, to control him. He would jibber in his smacked up state about the square, rigid design of the classic 144, the slick sophistication of the 850. He’d go and sit in the driver’s seat in the middle of the night and mumble incoherent Swedish. And, just like the Volvo, he would never turn the lights off. The house was permanently lit up like Brian Junior in that school play – even in the middle of the day! He adapted his diet so he would only eat Swedish things, meatballs and weird fish, and was once seen by a friend of Pam’s from flower-arranging classes, attempting to have sexual intercourse with an Ikea trolley (and believe me, this is as difficult as it sounds, indeed any sex becomes infinitely more difficult as soon as wheels are involved.)

Now with Pam at her wits end, Brian Junior getting through the family income in camomile every month, and the rest of the family utterly shamed, our tale of Uncle Brian reaches its conclusion. On the anniversary of Brian buying that big shiny red Volvo, to the very day, Uncle Brian’s body was found with lipstick crudely applied to his stubbled face, a lady’s thong stretched in and around his nether regions and the gear stick and handbrake firmly lodged in his rectum in a sort of mechanical double fisting scenario. It took the whole fire department to sort that mess out, and it also involved removing the roof off the extension Brian had been so proud of just twelve months before.

Now, I can’t be sure exactly how it happened, but I know for a fact that that shiny red Volvo was responsible for the terrible tragedies experienced by our Uncle Brian, and I hope you now understand, sir, why I will never be seen buying, travelling in, or having anything to do with a Volvo. However, I am intrigued to find out exactly what did happen to Brian and why your Volvo chose him as its victim of psychotic haunting. Have you experienced such behaviour from any other customers at all? Does your office resemble a Swedish sauna of debauchery?

I hope you can offer some explanation as to what exactly happened to Brian the year he got that Volvo, so we can finally lay his body to rest in peace.

Yours,

Tim Broughton

Kronenbourg

From: Broughton, Tim
Sent: 09 September 2008 15:30
To: 'kronenbourg@scbrandsltd.co.uk'
Subject: Compensation

Dear Sir / Madam / Mr Kronenbourg

Following a recent trip to Florence, a friend of mine was lucky enough to stumble across a fine establishment which stocked your delicious beer. I remember her excitement at the time. She said ‘Wow, this holiday just gets better and better! They’ve got Kronenbourg 1664 here!’ As you can tell we all really like Kronenbourg 1664. We’re always telling people who don’t drink Kronenbourg 1664 that they’re losers and that Kronenbourg 1664 is for WINNERS!

Anyway, we settled into our seats and began drinking your delicious brew. It was quite the chilled refreshment that we needed after a day of intensive sightseeing, I can assure you. I think we stopped for three drinks, each one (seemed to us to be) perfection.

Apologies if I’m twittering on a bit, but the details are important. Once we got back to our hotel we noticed that Zoe was acting a little strange. She was starting to giggle at things that weren’t that funny, and she stumbled a bit on the way to her room. ‘That’s unusual’ I said to our friend, Jo. ‘I wonder why she’s not acting in her usual composed, sensible way?’

Once in her room, Zoe climbed up on a piece of furniture and did some strange dancing. Then, she fell off the aforementioned piece of furniture, onto the floor, with her petit head striking a drinking glass! Good heavens, what a mess it was. There was blood everywhere. We were all in a bit of a panic. One of us slapped Zoe, who was now delirious, while the other went to get a towel to soak up the blood. Eventually the blood stopped pouring out of her head.

Back in the UK Zoe has been having headaches and one morning there was some strange liquid dribbling from her ear. Obviously, being sensible, Zoe went to the doctor who gave her an X-Ray and Zoe relayed the story of how she came by her injuries. ‘I can’t understand why this happened, doctor’ she said to the doctor.

‘Did you have anything to drink?’ asked the aforementioned doctor. ‘Yes’ replied Zoe. ‘I had three glasses of delicious Kronenbourg 1664.’ The doctor nodded gravely. ‘This Kronenbourg 1664 of which you speak poisoned you’ he said. ‘It made you mental.’

Now, obviously this is a serious business and not to be taken lightly. The only reason I’m writing this letter is because Zoe is too traumatised. We would like as compensation three crates of Kronenbourg 1664 to be delivered to my house for a house party in November please – our housemate Mike is going back to Australia and we’re sending him off in style (the theme is Britain and all things British).

My delivery address is:

18, Howard Road
London
W6

Many thanks for your cooperation and I’m sure your thoughts are with Zoe.

Kind regards,

Tim Broughton

P.S if you send the beer, two people from your office can come to the party (but they must be in fancy dress).

From: Jill SEADIE [mailto:jill.seadie@s-n.com]

Sent: 10 September 2008 10:19

To: Broughton, Tim

Subject: RE: Compensation

the positive response would be that we're glad Zoe is still alive and well.... and indeed still willing to drink K1664 at the upcoming party.  I would have thought the experience would have put her off drinking altogether given the effect alcohol has on her......

Also, there were no spelling mistakes in the email..... another positive......

I would point out that the party theme.....'all things British'

doesn't really fit with our brand equity, K1664 being a VERY French lager.......

John Smith's, Strongbow however, both VERY British in their heritage.....

but you haven't asked for this?!

Jill Eadie

Customer Marketing Controller

S&N UK

Int: 777 7246

Ext: +447919303712

From: Broughton, Tim
Sent: 10 September 2008 11:23
To: 'jill.seadie@s-n.com'
Subject: Compensation - FAO Jill Seadie

Dear Jill

You will be pleased to know that in the last 24 hours Zoe has not passed away, and is indeed starting to recognise simple shapes and movements. However we have had a disturbing letter from her doctor, stating that the liquid dribbling from her ear is brain bruise juice.

Now, I hadn’t heard of brain bruise juice before, but I am informed that it is as corrosive as battery fluid, and over time it will burn a hole directly through her insides from her cranium to her rectum, and by the age of just 35 she could indeed be defecating out of her head.

Now this isn’t a card I had wanted to play, but I can only imagine what poor PR this would be for Kronenbourg 1664 were this information to be passed to a national tabloid newspaper. Imagine the headlines, Jill: ‘KRONENBOURG IS POISONOUS’ or ‘DON’T DRINK KRONENBOURG’. Obviously, I’m no headline writer, but I’m sure you get the gist.

I was also rather perturbed to hear that you didn’t believe the theme of our party was quite in keeping with the identity of Kronenbourg 1664. THIS ISN’T A BRANDING EXERCISE, JILL! ZOE IS MENTAL!

Obviously if you would like to send an alternative alcoholic beverage for the party, that would be most welcome, but I would also have to insist on a Foster’s gazebo for the back garden. Should you have any other merchandise, we’d probably accept that too.


I eagerly await your response

Tim Broughton

Pizza / Pasta Hut

From: tim broughton
Sent: 17 October 2008 15:02
To: melanie.fanning@pizzahut.co.uk
Subject: Pasta Hut


Dear Melanie

I feel the need to get in touch with you as marketing administrator for Pizza Hut UK as it has come to my attention that you are in the process of changing your name from Pizza Hut to Pasta Hut.

I can only suppose that some 'important' individual in your Brands Team has had some sort of haemorrhage in their sleep, come to work with socks on their head, blurting out random words, four of which happened to be "Change pizza to pasta" and the rest of you all got on with it. The effects of blindly obeying those in positions of power are clear to see. Take the war in Iraq and present global economic meltdown – all catastrophes created by a group of people saying 'Derrrr, ok boss" to a man in a White house with an Oval Office.

I even have hard, cool statistics to support my claim the changing the name of Pizza Hut to Pasta Hut is not only an unwise business decision but also a socially irresponsible one. In an independent survey carried out in 2006, 10,000 randomly selected members of the British public were asked the question "Do you prefer pizza or pasta?" An overwhelming 87% said with confidence that they preferred pizza*. On merely hearing the word 'pasta' over one fifth of this 87% spontaneously vomited in the face of the field marketeer. Bad news for pasta, good news for Wet Wipes.

There is one burning issue which I would like to raise. Don't you think it would have been more effective to maybe park your attention to the pizza or pasta quandary for a moment and maybe spend a little time focusing on the word 'hut'? Now, call me unadventurous, but of all the vibrant and pleasurable places to dine in this day and age, maybe 'a hut' doesn't rank so highly? Hmmm? Even my house is better than a hut.

Let's think of a few famous huts from entertainment, literature and politics:
Jabba the Hut – He was gross.
Robinson Crusoe lived in a hut – I expect, being stranded on an island, his diet was poor.
The Hutton Report – An independent report by Lord Hutton following the suicide of a British Weapons inspector, which vindicated the role of the present government and, to surmise, concluded that an invasion of Iraq was justified.

Not great company to be keeping there, hmmm?

This whole project is a complete waste of time and money.

Yours sympathetically

Tim


*Pizza or Pasta Magazine, 2006