Atlanta Braves

From: Broughton, Tim
Sent: Friday, November 15, 2013 8:07 AM
To: romebraves; gameday; Braves ADA seating
Subject: Exhibition game - ROME

Dear the Atlanta Braves

Hello there. Hope you’re having a lovely day? I like to imagine you guys taking a great big bite of a mighty American beefburger and a good deep breath of freedom before making the most of a beautiful autumn fall day. That’s what I’d do if I was an American person. But alas, I am a Briton, and as such I must make do with a cheese and pickle sandwich and the aroma of wet dog.

Anyway, enough of the pleasantries. That’s not how I intended to begin this correspondence at all! I planned a VERY ANGRY, bordering on RUDE message, because I am VERY ANGRY and whilst not RUDE, certainly a little SNIPPY!

Allow me to explain.

I am an Atlanta Braves fan. I love the Braves. The Braves are the most awesome and totally dudey baseball team in the entire world. I’ve got four Braves t-shirts (technically I should only have three, but they sent me one extra by mistake – WIN!) and, because I live in London, I stay up every night until the small hours to watch baseball. This in turn makes me totally shattered for work, pretty ineffectual and occasionally I have to pop off to the toilets to cry because my fragile, exhausted nerves snap like guitar strings when placed under duress. But it’s worth it because I LOVE THE BRAVES! I know what you’re thinking – this chap’s clearly a fine fellow this dude rocks! And yes, you are right. I do ‘rock’.

Which is why you should feel particularly dreadful about what has happened to me.

About a month ago I was browsing the Braves website, and you can only imagine my sheer, unbridled elation to discover that the Braves are scheduled to play an exhibition game in ROME! “ROME!” I cried! “The Braves, my favourite baseball team are playing in ROME!

That’s only a short hop on Easyjet from my home town in LONDON! What a fabulous opportunity, given that flights to Atlanta are EXTORTIONATE, to catch my heroes in action! And Rome is a beautiful city. The Colosseum, the Vatican! All that delicious pasta and anyone will tell you I practically subsist on pizza alone. And the baseball! I’ll see with my own eyes Andrelton turn a double, J-UP cream a screamer and even my favourite Evan ‘El Oso Blanco’ Gattis take to the plate.” I was SO excited that I suspect some traces of wee might have come out (do you say wee in America? Wee is urine).

So, I checked the date of the game. 31^st March, you say? No problemo! There and back in a day for 93 quid (quid means pounds – our currency)? Yes please. Bosh. I’m going to see the mighty Atlanta Braves with my own eyes. And Rome! That’s where a significant part of the film Gladiator was filmed! I LOVE Gladiator. So, the ticket is booked.

So, and I think you might know what’s coming next, Mr-(Mrs/Ms)-Atlanta-Braves-customer-service-person. Yes?

Imagine my surprise when I come to start planning my route to the stadium, only to realise THERE IS NO ‘STATE MUTUAL STADIUM’ IN ROME, ITALY. I even translated it to ITALIAN, but THERE ISN’T A STADIO RECIPROCA STATO EITHER!

However, I’ll tell you where the IS a State Mutual Stadium. IN ROME, GEORGIA, USA! Who the flipping heck has ever heard of Rome in Georgia, USA??? THAT’S FLIPPING MILES FROM LONDON!

If you say something is happening in Rome, everyone  immediately conjures up images of togas, and popes and emasculating motor cars (I’m thinking particularly the Fiat Cinquecento). When one uses the popular phrase ‘When in Rome…’ we don’t all immediately think of eating Deep South Hickory Smoked Bar-B-Q Pork Ribs and sticking some Blue-grass on.

DUDE! IF YOU’RE GOING TO ADVERTISE A BASEBALL GAME IN ROME, YOU’VE GOT TO SAY ‘ROME, GEORGIA, USA’. TO BE EXTRA SAFE YOU SHOULD REALLY ALSO SAY ‘(NOT THE CAPITAL OF ITALY THAT EVERYONE KNOWS)’.

I just don’t know what else to say, other than that I am frightfully excited about receiving your email of apology. You American fellows are renowned the world over for your exemplary customer service skills*, and I think this is a mighty opportunity to demonstrate to your British allies that a human being lurks behind those mechanical/maniacal smiles.

Yours ultra-extremely-expectantly

Tim Broughton

 *that, and being the global ambassadors for freedom/democracy/justice/eating

From: White, Jan
Sent: 18 November 2013 15:14
To: Broughton, Tim
Subject: RE: Exhibition game - ROME

Hi Tim,

Thank you for writing the Atlanta Braves and sharing your story with us. I sincerely apologize to hear about your negative experience. Your point is definitely very valid and I’m sorry about the confusion.

We do appreciate your dedication to the Atlanta Braves, especially since you are thousands of miles away. Are you planning on visiting the states, specifically, Atlanta, Georgia, in the near future?

Thank you for your patience.

Jan

Jan White

Atlanta Braves

Guest Services

From: Broughton, Tim
Sent: Monday, November 18, 2013 11:14 AM
To: White, Jan
Subject: RE: Exhibition game - ROME

Dearest Jan White

Many thanks for your kind and generous response, and for offering to fly me and my 11 children to the game free of charge. Tim Jr, Jim, Kim, Flynn, Lynn, Tom, Jon, Conn, Don, Jen and Ben will be absolutely thrilled. It was only yesterday I was urging them to never let go of their dreams.

“Would you ever see the Braves letting go of their dreams?” I cried.

“No! Never!” they all responded in harmony.

I just cannot wait to see all their angelic faces light up with joy, not only at the prospect of a visit to Turner Field, but they’ll be equally delighted that they don’t have to go to Italy. You see, Jan, Britain is a somewhat reserved nation, we’re staunch believers in the stiff-upper-lip. And the Italians… well let’s just say they’re quite an emotional bunch. Always gesticulating this and mama mia that. I’d don’t mind that kind of behaviour myself (as you can tell, I’m a broad-minded chap), but you see Don and Lynn are especially stupid impressionable children and I’d hate for them to pick up any bad habits.

But, now you have come to the rescue and all is once again at peace in the world. Bravo Jan! And the whole Atlanta Braves Guest Services team! I tip my cap to you!

So, just let me know the flights details – will start gathering up our passport numbers now for the booking – should have them with you by the end of the week.

Heathrow is probably our most convenient airport. Jim and Jen will require vegetarian meals and Tom is almost entirely incontinent (he takes after his mother).

The warmest of regards,

Tim Broughton

From: White, Jan
Sent: 18 November 2013 16:25
To: Broughton, Tim
Subject: RE: Exhibition game - ROME

Hi Tim,

Thanks for your speedy response, however, I don’t have great news.  I’m sorry for the misunderstanding again, but we will not be able to fly you and your family to Atlanta. I wish I was able to come to the rescue and provide this type of experience, but unfortunately it is not possible.

Thanks,

Jan

Jan White

Atlanta Braves

Guest Services

From: Broughton, Tim
Sent: 18 November 2013 16:56
To: 'White, Jan'
Subject: RE: Exhibition game - ROME

Oh Jan

This is obviously devastating news. I can only hope that the children don’t cast me out into the street and make me spend my Christmas wandering the streets of London town like a lonely vagabond. Peering in at frosted windows, at warm hearths and the soothing throb of the familial bosom, whilst my teeth a-chatter and I ponder where it all went wrong.

And, left to their own devices, with nothing but an incontinent mother, my children will inevitably eat each other and leave a terrible mess on the new carpet in the lounge that we only put down last Spring.

But, you’re right, it is unfair for me to place all this burden on you. As it says in John 8:7 – ‘let he who is without sin cast the first stone’.

And as Shakespeare wrote:

“We are oft to blame in this, -
'tis too much proved, - that with devotion's visage,
and pios action we do sugar o'er
the devil himself.”

Granted I have absolutely no idea what that means (between us I think he was off his head half the time) but it does include the word ‘blame’ so it may or may not be appropriate.

In any case, the signed bat which you are arranging to send me will make AMPLE compensation for this frightful confusion.

Slightly cooler regards than last time but still above room temperature,

Tim

From: Broughton, Tim
Sent: Tuesday, November 26, 2013 6:41 AM
To: White, Jan
Subject: FW: Exhibition game - ROME

Hi Jan

How’s that signed bat coming along?

Bestest

Tim

From: White, Jan
Sent: 26 November 2013 16:06
To: Broughton, Tim
Subject: RE: Exhibition game - ROME

Hi Tim,

Unfortunately we are not able to accommodate the overwhelming amount of requests for autographs we receive.  If you would like to buy an autograph, you can now purchase autographed merchandise through the Braves Foundation, the Atlanta Braves non-profit organization. Please visit the following Web site to view merchandise:  http://braves.auction.mlb.com/.

The entire Atlanta Braves organization would like to again thank you for your enthusiasm and dedication.  We wish you the very best.

Jan

Jan White

Atlanta Braves

Guest Services

From: Broughton, Tim
Sent: 26 November 2013 18:09
To: 'White, Jan'
Subject: RE: Exhibition game - ROME

Very well, Jan, old friend…

I commend you for recognising a commercial opportunity in the midst of a crisis.

Go Braves!

Marine Traffic

From: Broughton, Tim 

Sent: 08 November 2013 11:28
To: info@marinetraffic.com
Cc: Lucy Howkins; Sophie Dollar; Chris Turner
Subject: FAO Demitris Lekkas, founder of Marine Traffic

Dear Demitris

Firstly on behalf of my small gaggle of green (new, not envious) but enthusiastic shipspotters, I would like to say:

·         Bravo

o   You have founded and produced an application which is the shining definition of awesomeness

o   Your latest updates are remarkable, exquisite (and I’m delighted your added functionality has allowed you to monetise the service (CHA-CHIING!))

o   I hope you are taking a moment to stand back from the project to admire your legacy. You should take the team out (there must be a team, right? Surely you didn’t create this with your bare hands?) for a curry or something.

·         Thank you

o   Our band of merry ship-spotters have been in this game for just 3 months or so. In this time we have cultivated a fanaticism towards our ships which borders on a blissful psychosis.

o   You’ve made this possible Demitris, and for that, we thank you.

Us and our ships

o   Lucy is the proud flag bearer for (the mighty) Dignity Ace (31102900). She is blue and retains a remarkable grace and charm despite her considerable size (Dignity Ace, not Lucy).

o   Sophie stalks the good ship Nightwing (309928000). Nightwing is black and a stealthy and prone to mysterious periods ‘out of range’ – blatantly smuggling contraband.

o   Myself? I have an emotional attachment with the green and sublime Faust (266260000), which is possibly preventing me from getting a girlfriend. They just don’t seem to get that Faust comes first.

o   Chris completes our jolly crew. Bravery Ace (357961000) is also blue and renowned for getting about a bit. In Chris’ first fortnight of Bravery Ace tracking, she docked right next to Faust just outside Baltimore. The memory of which still makes me a little ‘heady’.

On seeing your recent newsletter, Chris has contributed the following endorsement:

“With this news, MarineTraffic looks set to retain its place as my favourite vessel tracking service.”

You are welcome to use this quote on the site and app, but he does insist on being named Chris Bravery-Ace-will-own-you-bitchas Turner

Finally, and this is a first for the whole group, I like to announce that I took the liberty of making a flag for our fleet. It comprises of the colour of our ships, and our initials. I hope you all like it:

Right, I think on that celebratory note (plus I’m welling up with pride and haven’t done any work yet today) I’d better leave you.

Thanks for all your hard work, and if you’re ever in London, don’t you dare not look us up.

All aboard!

Tim

From: Broughton, Tim
Sent: Tuesday, November 12, 2013 4:30 PM
To: info@marinetraffic.com
Cc: Lucy Howkins; Sophie Dollar; Chris Turner
Subject: RE: FAO Demitris Lekkas, founder of Marine Traffic

Are you there, Demitris?

From: Dimitris Lekkas
Sent: 13 November 2013 14:35
To: Broughton, Tim
Cc: Lucy Howkins; Sophie Dollar; Chris Turner
Subject: RE: FAO Demitris Lekkas, founder of Marine Traffic

Hello Tim,

I am still here, although a little overwhelmed by the ongoing tasks to make the new web site fully operational.

Thank you very much for your kind words. We share the same ‘illness’ called ship psychosis. Enthusiasts like you inspire me and my team (finally, there is a team) to work day and night on marinetraffic!

Since we have not a forum/blog integrated with marinetraffic yet, we will use your quote (and your flag, if you allow us) on our facebook page.

Have a nice evening

Dimitris

From: Broughton, Tim
Sent: 13 November 2013 15:09
To: 'Dimitris Lekkas'
Cc: Lucy Howkins; Sophie Dollar; Chris Turner
Subject: RE: FAO Demitris Lekkas, founder of Marine Traffic

Hi Demitris

I’m sure it must be a hectic time but as they say on the high seas:

“There’s ne’er busier man than he with a vessel full o’ crew and a belly full o’ rum!”

Of course we’d be delighted for you to use Chris’ quote and the flag on the MT Facebook page. Fill your wellies! (as they also say)

Just one final very quick question, before I promise to leave you be. Do you have a favourite ship? I’d love to add it to my fleet.

Anchor’s aweigh!

Tim

Barclays

>Asheesh Pant has entered the chat
>You wrote: I need to make a bank transfer please
>Asheesh Pant: Welcome to Barclays webchat services. I will be glad to assist you with the relevant information
>Asheesh Pant: Good afternoon, Tim. May I ask you a few questions to guide you through the entire procedure?
>You wrote: you may

>Asheesh Pant: Thank you for your consent. May i know, are you planning to transfer funds within your own accounts at Barclays?
>You wrote: Nope. To this person. J Smith, xx-xx-xx, xxxxxxxx
>Asheesh Pant: Thank you for confirming this. I would request you not to share any personal information during this chat for security reasons
>Asheesh Pant: Tim, you can process this transaction online (if you login using pin sentry), over the phone (if you are registered for telephone banking) or at the branch.

>You wrote: I can't use pin sentry as my phone app doesn't work since I updated to ios7, i'm not registered for telephone banking and the branch is shut.
>You wrote: Hello?
>You wrote: ?
>You wrote: ?

>Asheesh Pant: I am sorry for the delay. I was experiencing some problem with the system.
>You wrote: ahh, the system
>Asheesh Pant: May I know are you registered for online banking?
>You wrote: yes
>You wrote: but i don't have the internet

>You wrote: and I don't have a pin sentry
>You wrote: it broke
>You wrote: the dog ate it
>You wrote: :(

>Asheesh Pant: Oh! I see. May I know, have you made payment to this beneficiary in the past?
>You wrote: Nope
>You wrote: Mr Pant?
>You wrote: Mr Pannnt?

>You wrote: hello?
>Asheesh Pant: I realise how important it must be for you to process this payment. unfortunately it could have been processed online, over the phone or at a branch, which is not a viable option for you right now. Could you confirm the name of your branch nearest to your place?
>You wrote: ummm, dalston, london?
>Asheesh Pant: I can check the branches in your vicinity where these payments can be processed.

>You wrote: I don't know where the branch is
>You wrote: and i have a bad leg
>You wrote: if you make the payment for me (on the sly) i won't tell anyone
>You wrote: it will be our secret

>Asheesh Pant: Tim, I would have gladly done it for you if I would have had the access to your account details and the provision to process this payment.
>Asheesh Pant: I do not have access to your account information due to security reasons to process the payment at my end.
>You wrote: what are we going to do?
>Asheesh Pant: Tim, I can assist you with the contact details of all the branches in your vicinity. This will help you decide the most convenient option.

>You wrote: OK then. I hope they won't mind me being a frightful bother on a Saturday.
>Asheesh Pant: Tim, we value your association with us. The branch representative will be happy to assist you.
>Asheesh Pant: The nearest branch I could find was at Hackney. Will that be fine with you.
>You wrote: yes. please let me have the details of the representative who represents the Hackney branch.

>You wrote: my poor leg!
>You wrote: I'll NEVER forgive that dog for eating my pin sentry
>You wrote: what a fuss this all is
>Asheesh Pant: I can understand how cumbersome it must be for you to visit a branch in the condition that you are in. I wish you a speedy recovery. The Hackney branch is open until 4pm today.

>You wrote: Thank you Asheesh. You're a fine fellow
>Asheesh Pant: I wish I could have processed this payment for you.
>Asheesh Pant: The name of the cashier is S**** B**** and the address of the branch is
>Asheesh Pant: 298 Mare Street
Hackney
London
E8 1HF
United Kingdom

>Asheesh Pant: I would suggest you order a pin sentry as well. It is available free of charge for Barclays customers at this branch.
>You wrote: oh that's a good idea. will keep this one well away from that naughty dog
>Asheesh Pant: Thank you for being generous and considerate with your observation about me.
>You wrote: honestly, you don't see me trying to log in to barclays online with his bone, so I don't see why he should chew my pin sentry

>Asheesh Pant: I hope the dog will realise his folly the next time.
>You wrote: well it's his loss, since it was his account I was trying to transfer all this money to.
>You wrote: Right, I'd better be going. I've got water aerobics in half an hour.
>Asheesh Pant: It was a pleasure chatting with you.
>Asheesh Pant: I wish you a pleasant day ahead and a great weekend.

>You wrote: you too, Ashesh. Toodle pip!
>Asheesh Pant: Thank you.
>Asheesh Pant: Take care.
>You wrote: Bye!

Naked Wines

From: rowan@nakedwines.co.uk

Date: 14 September 2013 10:31

To: Tim Broughton

Subject: Um...we owe you £154.33 of wine

Dear Tim,

We've got your money AND your wine. That is NOT good!

You save your money with us every month, but you haven't been online to see what you're paying for. I've tried calling you, but we seem to keep missing each other.

We owe you £154.33 of wine. And I?m starting to lose sleep over it...

I think it's time we gave you a little extra love. I know you're a busy person, so I have a no-nonsense proposal for you:

Give me one chance to get you some wines that?ll blow your socks off...

If I get it right, you get sensational wines, handpicked by someone who knows their stuff around your personal tastes, and I get a clean conscience.

If I get it wrong, I will refund you in full, immediately.

All you need to do is hit reply and say:

Yes please (plus any specific instructions e.g. Red/White only etc)

Kind regards,

Nikki Cook

Your very anxious Wine Advisor

Ps. If there's anything else I can sort out for you, or something that we need to put right, please let me know and I'll be more than happy to help you.

From: Tim Broughton

Date: 16 September 2013 12:24

To: rowan@nakedwines.co.uk

Subject: Re: Um...we owe you £154.33 of wine

Nikki, honey, don't worry about it. I'm in a strange place at the moment - doing my best hobo impression. Been surfing the couchwave for a couple of months now, whilst waiting to buy a house. Those wine bottles of yours (or technically mine) are mighty heavy and I've got enough to be shunting around from pillar to post.

Hey, join me on a little imaginary adventure, one that leads me to the front door of my new flat. And what's this in my hands? It's the keys! Yep, I'm opening the door and following an amorous chatter from the kitchen. And look who's there - it's all my pals who have kindly put me up for the last couple of months. Hurray! I've invited them round for dinner to say thanks and they all cheer when I walk into the room. And how do we celebrate? By cracking open the case or two from Naked wines! And now we're guzzly greedily the contents, laughing and cheering as the sprightly whites and robust wines splash over our faces, gushing down our torsos. And we're laughing and shrieking and now the cries are turning to screams and there's suddenly sharpness and and urgency to the curdling cries. And the red wine which sloshes across us seems tacky and syrupy and it isn't wine at all but bloo...

WOAH THERE, NIKKI!

WAY too far with the imaginery adventure!! WAY TOO FAR.

Anyway, don't worry. I'll be in touch to claim by bounty in due course.

Kind regards

Tim

From: rowan@nakedwines.co.uk

Date: 16 September 2013 15:28

To: Tim Broughton

Subject: Re: Re: Um...we owe you £154.33 of wine

Hi Tim, 

Thanks for your reply, can I consider this my invite?! 

Kind regards 

Nikki @ naked wines 

P.s If you need a hand with anything (wine related not removals) you know where we are! 

From: Tim Broughton

Date: 16 September 2013 17:37

To: rowan@nakedwines.co.uk

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Um...we owe you £154.33 of wine

Well that depends, Nikki.

On whether you are who you say you are... or are you ROWAN?

In all seriousness, of course you're invited. You can bring Rowan as well. Could could deliver the wine by hand! Now that's customer service. We could probably spin some publicity out of it - I can see the headlines now 'Kooky email leads to personal delivery of wine'. Hmmm, I'm clearly no journalist, but there's definitely something in it. 

Have your people sit down with my people for a speed powwow.

Tim

From: rowan@nakedwines.co.uk

Date: 17 September 2013 16:25

To: Tim Broughton

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Um...we owe you £154.33 of wine

Hi Tim, 

I've been called many things but never Rowan! Give me a shout when you have your new address and I'll make sure you get the right wines so your friends forgive you for all this sofa surfing! 

Nikki @ naked wines

BMW

From: Franco Giammattei

Date: 2 June 2009 17:20

To: Tim Broughton

Subject: BMW Request

Good morning Mr Broughton,

Many thanks for your recent enquiry into the BMW 5 series.

There appears to be no numbers provided to contact you.

Please can you get in touch with me at your earliest convenience so that we can discuss your interest further.

Kindest regards

Franco Giammattei

BMW New Car Sales Executive

BMW Park Lane

From: Tim Broughton

Date: 3 June 2009 21:50

To: Franco Giammattei

Subject: BMW Request

Dear Franco

Many thanks for getting in touch to discuss the exceptional engineering that is The BMW. I've thought for years that nothing quite says "I've arrived" with the same gusto as a well polished Beamer cruising down the outside lane.

Well, I'm hitting a point in my life when I think I'm ready. This is a big moment for me, Franco. The kids have grown up and gone to Oxford and into dentistry, the wife seems happy enough and it really feels like my time again. Its time for me to toast myself on the back with a new set of wheels.

I've been looking at the M3 Coupe and think this might be the car for me. I do have some fairly strong reservations though, particularly concerning the music/radio system in the car. Could you please send me some details and tell me, has this changed a lot from the systems in place in BMWs 25 years ago?

Unfortunately I'm uncontactable by phone at the moment as the wife and I are holidaying in the Seychelles (first impressions ok - the people seem clean) but I will be checking my Blackberry from time to time. I presume, being based in Park Lane, you'd be my local dealer.

Many thanks in advance for the information.

Tim Broughton

Sent from a Blackberry

From: Franco Giammattei

Date: 5 June 2009 09:54

To: Tim Broughton

Subject: BMW Request

Hi Tim,

Many thanks for your quick response.

I will forward the M3 electronic brochure so you can ready through when convenient.

The sound system in an M3 is exceptional and far better than those fitted on the cars from 25 years ago.

When you are back in the country, perhaps it would be a good idea to pop in and allow me to demonstrate the sound system?

Enjoy the rest of your holiday and speak soon.

Kindest regards

Franco Giammattei

BMW New Car Sales Executive

BMW Park Lane

From: Tim Broughton

Date: 5 June 2009 21:36

To: Franco Giammattei

Subject: BMW Request

Dear Franco

I'm very keen to learn whether the sound system is easy to use and will not in any way distract me from driving the fabulous M3. You see, I'm in a bit of a quandary. Let me give you a little background.

In 1979 my wife had a fiance called Cliff who drove a BMW. Very happy they were, and all set for a wonderful life together. One day on the way to work, Cliff had a bit of an accident whilst scrolling through the radio stations and, to cut a long story short, made a full recovery but had to be fitted with a prosthetic nose. Now, I know this might sound odd, but my wife really struggled to deal with the nose thing and ended up leaving him.

Two years later we got together and we've never looked back. However, I'm worried that buying a beamer will bring back quite disturbing memories for her. I'm concerned it may be interpreted as callus and insensitive for me to invest in the vehicle which ultimately ended her previous realtionship.

What do you think? I'm tempted just to buy the car and play the ignorance card once it's sat on the driveway. I can't honestly see her making me take it back to the shop, but at the same time, deep down, Franco, I'll know.

What would you do?

Thanks for your help in this difficult, unusual but highly significant matter.

Tim

Sent from a Blackberry

From: Franco Giammattei

Date: 8 June 2009 10:59

To: Tim Broughton

Subject: BMW Request

Many thanks for your response Tim.

The best thing I can suggest is for you and your wife to come into the showroom when you return from your holiday.

I can show you an M3 to look around and demonstrate the fact that the sound system is easier to use and far more sophisticated that the BMW’s of 30 years ago.

From the story you have told me, it is not down to the BMW entirely and could have happened in any car built back then as safety standard’s were not as high.

I look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Kindest regards

Franco Giammattei

BMW New Car Sales Executive

BMW Park Lane

From: Tim Broughton

Date: 18 June 2009 13:47

To: Franco Giammattei

Subject: BMW Request

Oh no Franco

You'll never guess what's happened. My wife caught me printing out the brochure you sent me and hit the roof! Goodness me! The things she said were truly hurtful.

"How could you entertain the thought of driving one of those"

"You repugnant filth"

"You're not the father of my children"

etc etc

Clearly she's never really recovered from the trauma of Cliff's prosthetic nose which, in itself, I have a bit of a problem with. I met him once and at a dinner party in Stoke and he looked fine - nasally speaking. I thought his forehead was more of an issue, an opinion my wife did not appreciate.

So. it looks like I must look elsewhere for an auto-upgrade. Thank you for your advice. I have recently come to think of you, not only as a BMW new car sales executive, but as a friend.

Tim

Sent from a blackberry

Eoghan Quigg

From: andrew pountain

Date: Wed, 2 Jun 2009 20:40:45

To: tim broughton

Subject: Re: Eoghan quigg

Hi tim,

I am the live agent for Eoghan,

Can you give me some more information re your event?

Best,

Andrew Pountain

From: tim broughton

Date: Wed, 3 Jun 2009 21:56

To: andrew pountain

Subject: Re: Eoghan quigg

Dear Andrew

Many thanks for getting in touch.

My daughter Jessica will be celebrating her 7th Birthday at the end of September this year and, having discussed the matter with my wife, we would very much like Eoghan to attend and perform. We are situated in Bucks, money no object.

Please let me know his availability.

Many thanks,

Tim Broughton

From: andrew pountain

Date: Wed, 3 Jun 2009 22:12

To: tim broughton

Subject: Re: Eoghan quigg

Hi tim,

Eoghan's normal fee for a 30 minute show plus meet and greet etc is 5k plus vat and rider.

How does this work for you?

Best,

Andrew Pountain

From: tim broughton

Date: Tue, 9 Jun 2009 10:31

To: andrew pountain

Subject: Re: Eoghan quigg

Hi Andy

Sorry not to be in touch for so long. I have been in Columbia on business and failed to receive your email.

Since returning cash has become a little tight. A valuable package was seized by customs on my return to the UK and as a result £5k for half an hour might be too much.

Tell me, if we booked Eoghan, would Jessica be able to see the strings? I've spoken with my wife and we've decided that Jessica would be heartbroken if she ever found out Eoghan isn't real.

Many thanks

Tim

From: andrew pountain

Date: 9 June 2009 10:43

To: tim broughton

Subject: Re: Eoghan quigg

Man. That's so cool.

Best,

Andrew Pountain

From: tim broughton

Date: 9 June 2009 10:51

To: andrew pountain

Subject: Out of Office AutoReply: Thanks for the support

As many of you know, the recent court case didn't go quite as planned and I shall be unavailable to respond to your email for the next five years - two if I'm good.

Many thanks for your support and well-wishing during the trial. Margaret, Jessica and I much appreciate it.

Please continue to look after them whilst I'm away, perfecting my tomato gravy and polishing the tabletennis skills.

Best wishes

Tim Broughton