Thursday, 30 April 2009

Freaky Eaters

From: tim broughton
Date: 4 Mar 2009 22:50
Subject: Freaky Eaters Application

Dear Sir/Madam

It is with no sense of melodrama or overreaction, producer of BBC3's Freaky Eaters, that I contact you in a bid to save my life. Honestly I'm at the end of my tether. In fact I think my tether just disappeared over the horizon, behind the cragged landscape that is 'my life'. Indeed, if you ever wanted to see my tether again you'd probably have to dig out some lame camcorder footage of me aged 9 at cub camp or something.

Of course, since you can't actually see 'tether', this would be senseless (plus there isn't actually any footage of me aged 9 as I've always harboured a desire to work for the government in a secret capacity - I'd have thought rogue video footage of me could well cause complications with such aspirations if discovered by Al Qaeda).

I am a freaky eater. God it feels good to write that. I TIM BROUGHTON AM A FREAKY EATER.

Allow me to elaborate. I can't eat mushrooms. They make me puke. They're disgusting, sludgy, slimy, filthy brown creatures. Vegetables, TV Producer, shouldn't have gills. Like eggs shouldn't have hobbies, tennis rackets shouldn't have survival skills and curtains shouldn't have debts, VEGETABLES SHOULD NOT HAVE GILLS. Its wrong, wrong, wrong.

Now, I can imagine you thinking 'jeez, this guy needs to chill. Just don't eat mushrooms.' Well, if only it were that easy. I'll give you an example. I like a full English breakfast from time to time. There's a place down the road where I indulge my breakfast desires - you may know it, on the Fulham Palace Road called The Half of the Moon. Cracking little place it is with excellent reasonably priced food and a comfortable ambience. Well, allow me to share a typical visit with you, TV Producer:

The Half of the Moon, Saturday morning. Shafts of clear winter morning light pierce the cafe, bringing freshness to tired but spirited diners.
Enter myself, keen eyes and empty stomach, paper under arm.

Me: Morning!
Cafe Owner: Mornin' love. What can I get ya?
M: Let's see. [Scans the menu on the wall above and behind the cafe owner]. Do you know, I think I'll have the Bigger Breakfast.
CO: You want tea or coffee with that?
M: What the hell, it’s the weekend, lets go for coffee.
CO: Five ninety-nine then, please darlin'.
M: Great. Oh, would you leave off the mushrooms?
CO: How come?
M: Don't really like them.
CO: You fucking freak. Get the fuck out of my cafe.

Now, TV producer, that's just a flavour of the type of attitude I have to endure, day in, day out. I need you boys to come round with the tele and all the other gizmos and pile the pressure on. I got to get over this, man. I got to put this mushroom thing to bed. The insults and derision scratch as I sleep. I walk to work and I can see them looking at me. "Freak" they mutter. "Weirdo" "Misfit" "Oddball" "Miscreation" "Oddity"

Someone even once called me a "nonce" which I'm fairly sure means paedophile.

Now, if this isn't grounds to be on your show to get cured by that lady who is frankly unbearable and the man who always blames problems on absent or estranged parents during childhood, I don't know what is.

Please help me eat a mushroom, Betty, producers-of-BBC3's-popular-but-not-so-popular-that-we're-on-BBC1-or-BBC2's Freaky Eaters. You're my only hope.

Tim Broughton

From: tim broughton
Date: 4 Mar 2009 22:50
Subject: Freaky Eaters Application

Dear TV Producers Betty

I still haven't heard anything regarding my application for Freaky Eaters. I'd be most grateful if you could let me know if I'm being considered for the show. I'm starting to book holidays and don't want to book anything whilst there's a chance you may be able to help with my problem.

Many thanks


From: Emily Shanklin
Date: 4 Mar 2009 22:50
Subject: Freaky Eaters Application
To: tim broughton

Hi Tim

Thanks very much for your email, it was certainly the most entertaining and well written one we have received.

Currently there are no plans for a 4th series of Freaky Eaters but we will keep your details on file should the BBC re-commission it. Your first point of call should be with your own GP or you could call NHS Direct on 0845 46 47.

You could also have a look at information provided on: however I must make it clear that this website is not affiliated with Betty or BBC3, but you might find it a useful resource.

Yours sincerely

Freaky Eaters Team

From: tim broughton
Date: 27 May 2009 18:20
Subject: Freaky Eaters Application

Dear Emily

Thanks ever so much for the reply. I have indeed called NHS Direct and explained the problem regarding my disproportionate fear of mushrooms. Unfortunately they advised me to get in touch with Betty, producers of BBC 3’s Freaky Eaters because my case is so extreme. I did explain that you hadn’t been re-commissioned for a fourth series but then I just heard ‘OH SHI…’ and then the sound of someone throwing themselves out of a window.

So it looks like its up to me to get you folks back on the telehole so you can help me out. I was wondering, have you considered the following:

Freaky Meeters – People with peculiar handshakes
Freaky Tweekers – An expose of cricket’s deformed spin-bowling community
Freaky Leakers – Living with incontinence
Freaky Litres – Imperial vs metric measurement
Creaky Eaters – Arthritis of the jaw
Cheeky Beaters – The pitfalls of public masturbation

Surely one of these will do the trick? Then we get the whole gang together and just do a Freaky Eaters based around me! This could work. Let me know if you need a hand with the pitch at all. I can probably borrow a flipchart from work and I have a very sharp suit which will add gravitas to proceedings.

Let me know what you think,

Tim Broughton

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