From: tim broughton
Date: 8 Sep 2008 17:29
To: innocent drinks
Dear Sir / Madam
I'm afraid I have been forced to get in touch to complain about a drink. Now, I'd like to establish from the outset that I not a moaner, I rarely have the time, let alone the inclination to have a grumble about even the most perverse abuses of decency. But in this case I must voice my concerns.
I have been drinking Innocent Smoothies for many years now without the slightest of hiccups, indeed I find their velvety texture and anti-oxident rich contents to be a rather effective cure for the hiccups. My favourite flavour is Strawberry & Banana. The subtle tones of banana meet the crisp freshness strawberry to combine in a veritable display of all things splendid.
On the 27th September my day began as normal - 30 situps, 19 pressups and a leisurely trot to the fridge to indulge my early morning fruity needs. I tore off the lid of my Innocent Smoothie and gulped down the nectar within. Crikey, i thought. In fact I actually said it out loud. 'Crikey.' The flavours were not those of my accustomed Strawberry & Banana but something else altogether. Spritely sharpness was followed by a lurching, almost driving tang. 'Gee Whiz!' I exclaimed whilst frantically checking the label.
This is where the true horror of that fateful September morning began.
Blackberries, Raspberries & Boys and Berries.
Immediately my stomach creased and crumpled, the contents vacating in a surge of temper.
WHEN DID INNOCENT SMOOTHIE START MAKING UP THE CONTENTS OF THEIR DRINKS BY BLENDING BOYS?? You can try to cover your tracks with your funky spelling, 'Boysenberries', but how long did you really think you'd be able to get away with this? We all know you're renowned for your progressive copy and intimate communication - was this approach all an elaborate scheme to ensure nobody would bat an eyelid when you started to include small children in one of your flagship recipes? What does it say about us as people, when the life of a human being is valued less than that of a cherry or pear?
Now, I have been ridden with guilt since I first experienced this most basic abuse of human rights, I mean I actually consumed the stuff! But I have taken some time to think of my response and here it is. I want two pallets of Strawberry & Raspberry smoothie in unmarked bottles, deposited in two separate south London locations by the end of the month. Exact details will follow. Otherwise I'm going to the papers. I mean, can you IMAGINE what The Independent would make of this? 'KIDS JUICED AND SOLD AS SMOOTHIE'. That's what they'd say.
I expect a swift, and frankly flustered response.
From: innocent drinks
Date: 11 Sep 2008 17:29
Subject: Complaint [Your special number: 080910-000318]
To: tim broughton
Right, obviously we don't want you going to the papers, but we would like to reassure you that no boys were hurt in the making of our smoothies. But to keep you quiet, on the QC we can send you some vouchers so that 1) you have the fuel you need to complete your 30 situps and 19 pressups (come on you know you can do one more) and 2) for the wittiest email I've read this week.
Now you have to take the risk of letting me know your address. I'm not saying we're all completely innocent here, so I can't guarantee that Rex the ex (not saying what of) won't be taking a leisurely walk past you house some night.
Bye for now,