Sent: 09 September 2008 15:30
Dear Sir / Madam / Mr Kronenbourg
Following a recent trip to Florence, a friend of mine was lucky enough to stumble across a fine establishment which stocked your delicious beer. I remember her excitement at the time. She said ‘Wow, this holiday just gets better and better! They’ve got Kronenbourg 1664 here!’ As you can tell we all really like Kronenbourg 1664. We’re always telling people who don’t drink Kronenbourg 1664 that they’re losers and that Kronenbourg 1664 is for WINNERS!
Anyway, we settled into our seats and began drinking your delicious brew. It was quite the chilled refreshment that we needed after a day of intensive sightseeing, I can assure you. I think we stopped for three drinks, each one (seemed to us to be) perfection.
Apologies if I’m twittering on a bit, but the details are important. Once we got back to our hotel we noticed that Zoe was acting a little strange. She was starting to giggle at things that weren’t that funny, and she stumbled a bit on the way to her room. ‘That’s unusual’ I said to our friend, Jo. ‘I wonder why she’s not acting in her usual composed, sensible way?’
Once in her room, Zoe climbed up on a piece of furniture and did some strange dancing. Then, she fell off the aforementioned piece of furniture, onto the floor, with her petit head striking a drinking glass! Good heavens, what a mess it was. There was blood everywhere. We were all in a bit of a panic. One of us slapped Zoe, who was now delirious, while the other went to get a towel to soak up the blood. Eventually the blood stopped pouring out of her head.
Back in the UK Zoe has been having headaches and one morning there was some strange liquid dribbling from her ear. Obviously, being sensible, Zoe went to the doctor who gave her an X-Ray and Zoe relayed the story of how she came by her injuries. ‘I can’t understand why this happened, doctor’ she said to the doctor.
‘Did you have anything to drink?’ asked the aforementioned doctor. ‘Yes’ replied Zoe. ‘I had three glasses of delicious Kronenbourg 1664.’ The doctor nodded gravely. ‘This Kronenbourg 1664 of which you speak poisoned you’ he said. ‘It made you mental.’
Now, obviously this is a serious business and not to be taken lightly. The only reason I’m writing this letter is because Zoe is too traumatised. We would like as compensation three crates of Kronenbourg 1664 to be delivered to my house for a house party in November please – our housemate Mike is going back to Australia and we’re sending him off in style (the theme is Britain and all things British).
My delivery address is:
18, Howard Road
Many thanks for your cooperation and I’m sure your thoughts are with Zoe.
P.S if you send the beer, two people from your office can come to the party (but they must be in fancy dress).
From: Jill SEADIE [mailto:email@example.com]
Sent: 10 September 2008 10:19
To: Broughton, Tim
Subject: RE: Compensation
the positive response would be that we're glad Zoe is still alive and well.... and indeed still willing to drink K1664 at the upcoming party. I would have thought the experience would have put her off drinking altogether given the effect alcohol has on her......
Also, there were no spelling mistakes in the email..... another positive......
I would point out that the party theme.....'all things British'
doesn't really fit with our brand equity, K1664 being a VERY French lager.......
John Smith's, Strongbow however, both VERY British in their heritage.....
but you haven't asked for this?!
Customer Marketing Controller
Int: 777 7246
From: Broughton, Tim
Sent: 10 September 2008 11:23
Subject: Compensation - FAO Jill Seadie
You will be pleased to know that in the last 24 hours Zoe has not passed away, and is indeed starting to recognise simple shapes and movements. However we have had a disturbing letter from her doctor, stating that the liquid dribbling from her ear is brain bruise juice.
Now, I hadn’t heard of brain bruise juice before, but I am informed that it is as corrosive as battery fluid, and over time it will burn a hole directly through her insides from her cranium to her rectum, and by the age of just 35 she could indeed be defecating out of her head.
Now this isn’t a card I had wanted to play, but I can only imagine what poor PR this would be for Kronenbourg 1664 were this information to be passed to a national tabloid newspaper. Imagine the headlines, Jill: ‘KRONENBOURG IS POISONOUS’ or ‘DON’T DRINK KRONENBOURG’. Obviously, I’m no headline writer, but I’m sure you get the gist.
I was also rather perturbed to hear that you didn’t believe the theme of our party was quite in keeping with the identity of Kronenbourg 1664. THIS ISN’T A BRANDING EXERCISE, JILL! ZOE IS MENTAL!
Obviously if you would like to send an alternative alcoholic beverage for the party, that would be most welcome, but I would also have to insist on a Foster’s gazebo for the back garden. Should you have any other merchandise, we’d probably accept that too.
I eagerly await your response